So I’ve had a momentary blip in my journey and right now it feels like the biggest deal in the world. I know though, that in years to come it will just be a small part of the process I was in to recover. My journey isn’t one big step, it’s hundreds of little ones combining together to create the Ashleigh I’m already discovering.
I’ve been sitting this morning feeling so utterly despondent at my situation. It comes after a being admitted as an inpatient on the mental health ward last week. 11 days ago to be exact. The first few days were such a blur of emotions. I’m here voluntarily so being the naturally decisive person I am, I unpacked and repacked roughly three times a day until the weekend. I was so caught up in the fact that I was staying in hospital and the idea that this removes all the progress I’ve made this year that I didn’t make proper use of the support here.
The time alone here is starting to pay off though. I’ve lay in bed all morning hating myself for being weak, for watching everything crumbling around me, for not even managing to get out of bed. And if you read my last post and are wondering what it is that happened that’s caused this..then the answer is nothing. No event or trauma whatsoever. There’s only been one single change since that post and me being here. My attitude. Some people will say it’s a simple problem to fix others won’t. The truth is that we are all capable of experiencing such a complex array of emotions, vastly different responses to so many individual situations running simultaneously in life and you would be forgiven for letting it get you down. But what really matters in life is what you choose to focus on. My brain is overwhelmed by a million things right now and I did lose hope but that’s something I caused myself. I can’t blame anyone or anything, I’m the only one who can choose which of the emotional whirlpools to focus on.
There are obviously different factors that make that choice easier to make, one of which being sleep. Recently my sleeping has deteriorated more and my energy to fight has diminished with it. However, in hindsight, it’s clear that while I was so busy despairing about my lack of sleep I was also getting far too comfortable in old habits. Those new ones are the ones that make me feel better and bit by bit, choice by choice I started to slip up. So being here doesn’t mean I’ve taken a huge fall backwards, it doesn’t remove the lessons I have learnt this year. It does push them to the forefront of my mind though, and that is most definitely a good thing.
It’s been incredibly tough being here, and I’m facing fears faster than I would at my weekly counselling sessions (God, I miss them. Some of the people here really aren’t as helpful as others) but I need to do this. I’m not that girl that spends months or years in and out of hospital, never quite reaching that goal of managing their condition. I’m not that girl that dreads the future because I’m unhappy now. I’m not that girl that is convinced I’m unfixable. I’m not going sit here any longer, feeling crap and focusing on the negatives. I’m not that girl.